Pairing: Tamamori Yuta x Kitayama Hiromitsu, Fujigaya Taisuke x Kitayama Hiromitsu
Disclaimer: I do not own them.
Seeing them now, I couldn’t quite understand why my stomach was in knots.
When they first found out about my having a girlfriend, their responses where varied. Taisuke was excited for me; all bubbly happiness and inquisitive questions. Yokoo congratulated me but warned me to be careful. Kitayama, well his reaction was the most confusing. He seemed happy for me, he patted me on the back, asked me if she was pretty, demanded to see a picture, asked some inappropriate questions completely in jest and warned me not to get myself involved in a scandal. I may not be the most intuitive person but even I could see that his smile was forced and his eyes, well, his eyes burned me.
I was so happy that they were happy for me. I felt light and content and just generally in high spirits. That was until I walked in on them months later. My jaw hit the floor and I could barely believe what I was seeing, so much so, that if I wasn’t in fact looking at it right this very second I wouldn’t have ever thought it possible.
I didn’t understand what it was the twisted so sharply in my stomach. I didn’t understand why I was so shocked. If I had a girlfriend, why was it so unbelievable to think that he had someone too?
It had been a rare day off for us and we had gathered at Kitayama’s apartment simply because he lived by himself. Even Miyata had been able to come. We had stuffed ourselves with food, watched movies and laughed ourselves silly over many an inconsequential thing.
I had been having so much fun just relaxing with all of them that I hadn’t even noticed that two of our number had disappeared. I hadn’t noticed, that was, until I very literally walked in on them.
No matter how many times I visit Kitayama’s apartment I inevitably mistake his bedroom for the bathroom. I threw open the door and stepped inside and promptly froze to the spot. It was here that I was floored.
Not five feet from where I was standing, pressed against the opposite wall was Kitayama, his eyes closed, his shirt open, his mouth parted; his features strewn in an expression of pleasure. I tore my gaze away from his face to see tanned skin and dark hair, wiry arms and strong hands. I saw lips that caressed Kitayama’s throat and hands that stroked exposed skin. I saw the crush of lust against desire; thigh straining against thigh and hip cradled against hip.
Fujigaya and Kitayama.
My mouth was still hanging open in shock. I knew I should turn away. I knew I should leave and pretend I never saw anything but I was trapped, frozen in place. My stomach doing flips and my palms were sweaty. I was uncomfortable and….and….jealous.
I was jealous.
Kitayama’s eyes fluttered open, hazy and slightly unfocused. His gaze met mine and for that impenetrable moment my world tilted on its axis and I watched him tense in surprise. His eyes cleared and he pushed at Taisuke’s shoulders.
It was enough to snap me out of whatever was holding me there.
I spun on my heel and returned to the living room, studiously ignore the call of my name.
I would pretend I saw nothing. I would pretend I felt nothing. Everything would right itself again….eventually.
I was wrong. My world stayed tilted on its wild axis for days, for weeks, after I saw that display of unbridled lust in Kitayama’s room. It affected everything. My girlfriend accused me of seeing someone else; our relationship fell apart over the next few weeks. I could have fixed it if I had tried but I couldn’t feel to find the drive.
All I could see in my head was the look on Kitayama’s face as Taisuke kissed him. All I could feel was what I felt at the moment I saw that. Anger, jealously and a bunch of other words that essentially meant the same thing.
They hold hands sometimes. They only do it when they think no one is watching but I’m always watching; I always see. I don’t know why it stings to watch the soft smile that Kitayama bestows upon Taisuke or the grin that Fujigaya flashes when Kitayama initiates some kind of contact.
I don’t understand why.
I stopped suddenly. I briefly considered pretending I didn’t hear him call my name but by the time I finished the thought I had already hesitated too long. He placed a hand on my forearm to get me to turn to face him but I flinched at the contact and he immediately withdrew his hand as if he had been burned.
“I’m sorry that you had to see that. I just….”
“I don’t want to hear,” I interrupted. The remorse I felt at the stung look on his face was brief.
“I….Taisuke and I….we…”
“I don’t want to hear about it,” I reiterated. Turning on my heel I made as if to leave.
I sighed. Why couldn’t he just leave it alone?
“I should have told you.”
I gasped shallowly, what did he mean by that? Did he know that I…that I….?
“I didn’t tell, we didn’t tell because we were afraid of what you, what all of you would say. We are still the same people…”
Oh…he was talking about that.
“…We’re just in love is all.”
I blinked at him. In love…?
My eyes narrowed and I scowled at him, “You don’t get it at all.”
“I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to hear that! Why do you always make everything worse?”
I stormed away from him not caring that I hadn’t explained myself. I didn’t even care that I had probably just given myself away.
I should have known he wouldn’t leave well enough alone. He only gave me a few days peace.
I flinched at the nickname and stiffened when he came to sit beside me. I didn’t acknowledge him but he started talking anyway.
“What did you mean?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Well tough luck because I want to know.”
I said nothing.
“Are you in love with him? Is that why you…. What about your girlfriend.”
I gasped at his inference, “We broke up weeks ago. I’m not in love with Fujigaya. You’ll never understand.”
“You’re not? I mean, I thought…”
“Well you thought wrong.”
“Tama-chan, don’t be like that. Explain it to me.”
I finally turned to face him head on. He was leaning towards me, half out of his seat. I was going to regret this. I pressed my lips to his for a half a heartbeat before I pulled away. I stood, shoving my hands into my pockets so he wouldn't see just how badly they were shaking.
“That’s why I don’t want to hear about you and Taisuke. That’s why I flinch when you touch me or call my name. That’s why my girlfriend broke up with me. That’s why I don’t want to know that you love him. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to hear any more. Just let it go. Just leave me alone.”
I held my head high as I left the room. I made it halfway down the hall before my shoulders dropped and the first of what was many tears welled in my eyes.
He left me alone for a good solid week. He didn’t talk to me unnecessarily, he didn’t try to catch my eye and he only ever called me Tamamori. I was grateful in a way but his obvious behaviour garnered the attention of the other members. It was easy to brush away Senga and Nikaido’s questions; it was even easy to wave away Miyata’s concern. It was much, much harder to ignore Yokoo’s looks and Taisuke’s curiosity, although it was evident that neither of them knew the full story.
I jolted at the sound of his voice calling my name. He waved me over into the deserted dressing room. I stood their warily, my hands crossed over my chest.
“Wait! Please hear me out first.” He hesitated before nodding. “I know it might seem childish of me but I do not want to hear your rejection. I already know how you feel for Taisuke. You love him. I don’t need to know how you feel for me because I already know it won’t be something that I want to hear. I didn’t want this to happen but it did. I didn’t understand what I was feeling but now that I know I can address it and move on.”
I fought to keep my eyes dry and the emotion out of my voice but I failed miserably when my voice cracked.
“I wish you and Fujigaya happiness. I’m sorry if my actions made you think that I was uncomfortable about your choice of partner. I was jealous and I behaved poorly. I pray that you will not think any less of me now that you know everything.”
I chanced a look at him through my bangs. His eyes held sadness. Kitayama looked best with a smile.
“I know it is selfish me but…. This is the first time I have said these words. The first time I will say them to you and the last time.”
He blinked at me uncomprehendingly.
“I love you Hiromitsu.”
The first tear rolled over my cheek and my voice cracked again as I spoke his name.
“No. Let me finish,” I took a deep breath, “I hope that one day things will be as their once were but I doubt that will ever happen. But I have faith in hope; it’s all I can do now.”
With that I walked away. I slid open the door and stepped out into the corridor. Almost immediately an arm was thrown over my shoulders and I looked to my right to see Miyata’s smiling face.
I don’t know how he knew, or even if he knew at all, but his smile was what I needed. He offered no words of comfort nor did he comment on my obvious tear streaked face. He casually brushed his finger tips over my cheeks and smiled again. I choked back some more tears.
I managed to return his smile.
That was one more thing that I have faith in.
A/N: Guh…this was going to be Tamamori x Kitayama but it turned into Fujigaya x Kitayama and hinted at Miyata x Tamamori. And I just realized that I never fully delved into Kitayama’s side…oh well. It also jumps a bit with time periods but I don't think it's too distracting... T_T
So….well….I hope you don’t hate it.