Pairing: Senga Kento [Yokoo Wataru x Nikaido Takashi]
Disclaimer: I do not own them.
It didn’t happen suddenly.
It was always there, barely beneath the surface but far enough hidden that if Senga closed his eyes he could pretend it didn’t exist at all. He regretted it now. The words he said; he wished he could take them back. Every time he met his eyes, Senga knew, those words hung between them. It made Senga’s eyes burn with unshed tears.
Meeting that cool gaze, knowing how badly he screwed up, it made him feel as if an icy hand was gripping his heart. There was nothing Senga could do to fix it. Things would never go back to the way they once could have been. That moment in time had come and gone. Senga had no one but himself to blame for allowing it to slip through his fingers.
Senga’s dream is a simple one. Now that he is a little older he can recognize that it had once been within his reach. But now his dream would remain forever as just a dream. He watches them together and he knows he can say nothing. He no longer even has the right.
His dream; of being at Nikaido’s side; it is unreachable. So Senga surrounds himself in his memories. Drawing up picture after picture in his mind’s eye; Nikaido’s smile. A smile that was once reserved only for him, it was the same smile that now belonged to another. Senga had forfeited the right to claim it as his own.
It made his vision blur. It made his fists clench. It made his heart ache.
You know, Senga, I know that he loves me.
Those words seared at his heart. He wanted to scream and shout; make Nikaido understand that no one, absolutely no one else, will ever love him as much as Senga does. He doesn’t want to hear of Nikaido’s love when it isn’t for him.
. He doesn’t ever say the words but I can tell that he does.
Senga wanted to say the words. He wanted to tell Nikaido, to shout to the whole world, that he could say the words now. Nikaido deserved to be told them every day and Senga would never stop kicking himself for not saying the words in the first place. Senga had learned a painful lesson but the damage was done and the situation was irreversible. He wanted so much to say those words. He couldn’t do it. It would only make Nikaido angry. It would only make him cry.
I know he thinks I’m too young to know what I want. I know he thinks I don’t mean it when I tell him I love him.
Senga couldn’t breathe. His lungs refused to fill and his head hurt and he wanted more than anything for Nikaido to recant his last words. He didn’t want to hear about it. He wanted to continue to pretend.
I can only wait and hope that one day when I say the words he’ll smile and say them in return.
Senga felt like he was going to die. Was this further punishment for breaking Nikaido’s heart? It had been a grievous crime; he had made his best friend cry but he was the one that was still hurting. Nikaido had moved on. Senga was the one still stuck in the past; still clinging to something that would never be.
Senga watched Nikaido walk away that day. He didn’t call out to his best friend. It wasn’t until Nika had disappeared from his sight that Senga realized just how grave his mistake was. They would never return to this moment. Nikaido would never allow the moment to be revisited.
It was hard to accept those words you said at that time. I didn’t want to hear them. I didn’t want them to be true.
Senga regrets every uttering them. He was cruel. And in the end he ended up hurting himself as well. He had been fighting so hard. Losing himself in denial and pretending the world he lived in didn’t exist. He had been living a lie.
My heart still aches every time I remember that you didn’t call out my name when I walked away. I know that you loved me, in your own way but I needed more. I wanted more. I had to accept that you didn’t love me the way that I wanted you to; the way that I needed you to.
I wasn’t until Nikaido walked away that he realized he had forced his twisted reality upon his best friend. He had forced his lie upon him until Nika just couldn’t take it anymore.
I had to walk away and get my heart broken in order to grow.
He watched his best friend walk away from him. Watched as he crossed the room and walked into the awaiting arms of another. For the second time, Senga let him go and said not a word. He wanted to scream that he loved Nika more than anything; that he wished for his happiness above all other things.
That he dreamed of being by his side. That he longed for a place in his heart.
But Senga said not a word. He had broken Nikaido’s heart once; he didn’t want to interfere on his happiness now. So it was Senga, with his heart in pieces that watched his best friend smile; stunning and radiant under the watchful gaze of the one who loved him in a way that Senga would never be able to.
I learned that day that just because someone doesn’t love you the way that you want them to, does not mean that they do not love you with all that they have.
AN: T_T I really don't know. I wanted to write a Yokoo x Nikaido fic but somehow it becomes Senga centric. >>;